alex warren chipotle listening party: the mildest salsa on offer

I found out about the Alex Warren Chipotle album premiere at a likely place: the Time Crisis subreddit. The internet radio show, hosted by Vampire Weekend frontman Ezra Koenig and visual artist Jake Longstreth, has two primary topics, which are music and “corporate food history." So it makes sense that someone would pop a Chipotle press release up there: CHIPOTLE TO PREMIERE ALEX WARREN’S NEW ALBUM YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT, KID AT RESTAURANTS WORLDWIDE ON JULY 17TH. I saw it. My eyes grew wide. This...was bloggable.

If you do not know who Alex Warren is, that’s okay. He has had the number one song on the Billboard Hot 100 for the past six weeks, a gooberish we-have-Hozier-at-home ballad called “Ordinary.” It's a wedding first dance song with a funereal aura. This week "Ordinary" even beat out a new Drake song, which, in news that should surprise no one, made Drake very upset.

Todd In The Shadows went in on this song and Alex Warren’s whole thing in a recent video, which is where I’ll point you if you have a little more time on your hands. But here's a very quick overview of Alex Warren: he began his career as a teen vlogger specializing in pranks, and over the past few years, he has been transitioning from a hyperactive social media career (he once resided at the famed Hype House, and starred in the reality show that was apparently mostly about the leader of the Hype House's frustration with residents' unwillingness to make Bang Energy sponcon) to a more serious and sober-mooded music career. His YouTube bio says "I make sad songs sowwyyyy." It looks like he wiped all of his prank videos from his channel, which is probably for the best.

If you do not know what Chipotle is, that’s okay too. It’s a fast-casual Mexican restaurant with almost 4,000 locations across America; I understand it to be an early example of the “walk down an assembly line of ingredients" joint that has been very popular in late capitalism. I first ate at a Chipotle as a freshman in college, when I had a mundane Friday afternoon routine perhaps worthy of the kind of bland social media influencing that keeps the wheels of the world turning these days. First, I would finish class and collapse into a nap. Then I would catch a ride with a couple of my friends to the local mall and shop around for a flimsy going out top from a fast fashion store like Forever 21. Then we’d hit the nearby Chipotle, and I’d order a chicken burrito with a bunch of stuff in it, unhinge my jaw, and swallow it whole. Then we'd dash home to digest, pound a few shots of warm spiced rum chased with Pepsi siphoned from the dining hall fountain, and head off to whatever house party would accept us.

(I’m reading this back right now and wondering how I was able to physically endure this period of time in my life. These habits would send my current body straight to the hospital. Youth truly is wasted on the young.)

I didn't have the capacity to research why this collaboration between Alex Warren and Chipotle is harmonious—maybe he orders a lot of it and documents it on his social channels?—but the press release suggests some kind of synergy, real or manufactured. “I’ve had an untraditional path to this moment in my career, and like Chipotle, I prefer to set trends, not follow them,” Warren says in the press release. “Teaming up with Chipotle to help introduce my album to the world will allow my fans to meet up with each other and have a first listen while enjoying one of my go-to meals.” The go-to meal is a special Alex Warren Bowl, containing white rice, a double portion of Chipotle Honey Chicken, fresh tomato salsa, roasted-chili corn salsa, and sour cream.

The logistics of the listening party seemed simple enough: between 5pm and 8pm on 7/17, “most” Chipotle locations would play the new Alex Warren album in its entirety. That was it. I had made plans to attend a picnic in a park at 6pm, so I figured I could swing by my closest Chipotle first, check out the scene, and then bring some chips and guac to the function. 

Who has two thumbs and brought her fucking laptop to Chipotle? This dipshit. I walked into the strip mall location, and on the stereo, at a reasonable retail volume, was the unmistakable sound of Alex Warren’s soulful warble. In addition to my picnic guac, I ordered a single taco to nibble at while I typed up my thoughts liveblog-style. (A normcore assemblage of ingredients to commemorate my college days: chicken, white rice, black beans, mild salsa, and a dab of sour cream.) There was no signage referring to this Alex Warren listening party within the store. I checked Alex Warren's Instagram, and though he had posted a short video on IG and TikTok advertising this collaboration, he hadn't followed up with any day-of stories. And though a direct quote would have provided some good seasoning for the blog post, the Chipotle was ripping at such a clip that I simply could not justify bothering employees with journalistic questions.

I wish I could describe You'll Be Alright, Kid to you in a sophisticated critical style, but it was not really "perceivable" in any way. The delivery system was too diffused. And the music is as homogenously blended as a plop of refried beans (a menu item not on offer at Chipotle). It is perfectly analogous to Alex Warren's signature Bowl, in that the protein is very sweet, the salsa is the least spicy option, and also there is a lot of corn in it.

My stray notes were "gospel choir?" "hozier reject" "coldplay ballad reject" "lewis capaldi ballad reject" "latter day mildly funky jonas brothers song" "stomp clap hey" and "alex warren's vocal range is like six notes." Later I reviewed the tracklist and saw Jelly Roll's name on there, which, yeah, totally. Maybe Jelly Roll can host a listening party at Dunkin' Donuts! Ha! HAA!

Listen, I try to give newer pop artists the benefit of the doubt. There's a millennial chokehold on the charts that's a little embarrassing to see continue on so long, and fresh talent is necessary to keep everyone on their toes, trying new things. But there's just nothing here: no new things, and certainly not a lot in the way of fresh talent.

I will admit, I came in with some negative bias because I find "prank YouTuber" to be a low-vibration career path, and I also get kind of pissed off thinking about how female pop stars keep killing themselves to come up with elaborate stage lewks and jaw-dropping choreography and pristinely packaged launch programs, and then someone named "Alex Warren" appears, looking like a guy in my macroeconomics class, singing with the affectation of Sam Smith, but without any inclination you will ever find him at the body shop doing something unholy. He looks like he will grow up to become a corporate manager for a regional chain of body shops.

I guess I am just tired of lowest common denominator effort in music. Everyone makes fun of Benson Boone for backflipping, but backflipping takes effort. Backflipping is something. There's a meme format where someone will pair a clip of a pop star going nuts onstage in some way or another—Pink swinging on a trapeze, Fergie doing one-handed roundoffs—with the phrase "they don't got a single song where they need to be doing all this." I hate that meme format. I think Doing Too Much is a true joy of life. Someone like Alex Warren could be doing more, and if he doesn't have any ideas for what that "more" is, maybe he should be doing something else. Selling a bowl of corn slop is not enough.

My primary observation from my Chipotle visit, besides the nothingness of the Alex Warren project was, weirdly enough, the hostile architecture. I sat in a small booth. The back was upholstered in a hard leather carapace, the bench was made of some sort of mystery polymer, and the table was metallic. The back of the seat met the bench at what felt like a perfect 90 degree angle. My back started killing me after just a few minutes of sitting, and when it was time for me to leave (I made it through the first "disc" of the album), it was a relief to stand up and walk away. Chipotle premiered Alex Warren's album as the background music it truly is, and they really don't want you sitting there much longer than the time it takes to chow down on your food anyway. Still, my taco was yummy, and everyone at the picnic enjoyed the guac.

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